Dear Off the Wagon,

I'm worried I may be fired soon. I am falling asleep at every meeting we have at work. The problem is that our meetings are far far to mundane. I don't need to hear the information to effectively get my work done, yet my boss requires me to be there. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Sleepyhead
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Dear Sleepyhead,

Fortunately, due to a recent addition in our shop, we have the perfect solution for you. Our Anime Eyes glasses have a wide open eye printed on the front. Your boss will believe you are the most attentive listener whenever you have these on. And, on the rare occasion when you do wake up, you can still see perfectly fine through them. (We don't recommend the blue hair pictured here.)

Sincerely,

Off the Wagon

Dear Off the Wagon,

I have been smoking since I was 13. A friend of mine's father died recently of lung cancer and I am feeling convicted to quit. I have tried and tried to stop lighting up, but it just isn't working. The cravings are too strong. I need some help but I can't afford those expensive treatments. What should I do?

Help!
Addicted


Dear Addicted,
You have made some great first steps in deciding to quit and reaching out for help. Years and years of habit are difficult to break without some assistance. Sadly, most of the assistance out there comes in the form of costly treatments. I am thrilled to offer you an amazing and low cost solution. Our new "Doctor's Choice" cigarettes are sweet and mild and completely nicotine free. You can enjoy the taste and feel of a cigarette without all the nasty cancer causing additives and tobacco. These cigarettes are actually recommended by nine out of ten doctors. At $2.49 a pack, these are well within any budget.

Wishing you a long healthy life,

Off the Wagon

Here are our favorite gifts for your next 40th or 50th birthday bash.

1. Roman Candles - Let's face it, these are much more efficient.

2. Frozen Smiles - This frozen denture ice cube tray says it all. You can never have too many teeth after all.

3. Panic Button - It IS time to panic, this button sends off a blood curdling scream for you (and saves your vocal cords).

4. These Instant Underpants are sure to come in handy. Keep them in your purse of pocket... and you're all set for those unmentionable emergencies.

5. Emergency Inflatable Brain - We aren't getting any smarter... but we can if we add a bit of extra brain power.

I asked our staff to pick out their top 5 funniest gifts in the store.  Here are Kyle's picks in no particular order.

1.  Nunzilla -It's a bird, it's a plane... no it is NUNZILLA, the walking, mouth sparking, plastic nun toy.  Mouth sparks (really!).  

2.  Zing! - launch your lunch.  The best tool for your next food fight.  Bend it back and bam... this spoon makes food fly.

3.  Just Like Dad!  Candy Cigarettes - Kid's do love to imitate Dad.  This really brings that idea home.

4.  Fingerstache - temporary mustache tatoos for you fingers.  Makes a great instant disguise. 

5.  Gobo Puppet - Gobo is a character from fraggle rock.  He certainly is a funny looking guy!